"Autopsy revealed that my baby had a very big heart..."

I didn't know...  Until my friend Anne Sanborn shared how her grief and loss were linked to the day of October, 15.  It's a Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance day.  Everyone around  who cherishes a memory of a baby lost is invited to burn a candle at 7 pm and keep it for at least an hour, all over the world. This way on this day a continuous wave of light will be spread all over the world.  It reflects the light of love in our hearts for the babies who touched our lives. 

The candle in my yard was lit that night in the memory of Peter Sanborn, who I'm sure was made as wonderfully as his younger siblings who are such a delight!

The candle light also reflected my love for baby Polina.  I was so far from my close friend in Russia during the darkest days in August this year. Her first born daughter's heart stopped beating when she was only eight days old. 

We will hold you in Heaven...

What's your favorite snack?? Please share in the comments

I forgot to say that a treat not less than the chocolate today was...

bamboo worms from the north!! Here they're still alive as they're getting fried

yes, my first reaction was probably similar to yours... But that was two years ago before I tried them!!  Salty and crunchy, yum yum! Chips fall short of it's taste.  They're quite expensive though. But we get to munch on them when some of our workers return from visiting their village in the north.

Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my hun :)

The last gastronomical reason to be missing home is gone.  I made chocolate today!!  We started baking with the kids on Sundays a few months ago.  After I finally got over my fear of doing something more than dishes in the kitchen.  And  man do we have fun and enjoy the "fruit" (umm a "cake".. a "cookie"??) of our hands!

This one was so easy and obvious and made great chocolate!  For those who's interested, here's the recipe for what originally was called "Truffles" in Kathleen's awesome cook book:

1 cup chocolate chips

2 T butter

1/4 cup milk

Melt it together and chill for 4 hrs or more. Roll into small balls.  Cover in chopped nuts or coconut.. make sure they're still "chilled" ... and enjoooooy :)))

My Epic Fail

Today our school celebrated the end of the term by holding a Sport Day. It is a traditional annual event for all Thai schools and colleges. We'd been preparing for a whole month marching and chanting every morning.

And  so today three teams of our little  students, parents and teachers competed in a numerous competitions at the central stadium.  Five of my boys were in different teams.  Luca and I were on a green team. 

It was so nice to see all my students and their parents before leaving.   When I look at them together I love finding resemblamces between their faces.  And because I know the kids first, it usually goes like "oh, you look like your son! " or "Wow, you've got your girl's smile!"   Maybe  I'll live to see a child whose eyes I have... 

So there was this one competition where parents had to run with the kids on their backs.  Dads are usually good at it.  One dad carried his twin boys and won!!  I so wanted Luca to experience that, too..  But we don't have a dad.  And Kathleen, the mom, is too small to carry the big boy.  Since my back hadn't been hurting for a while I decided to ignore  the old  spine injury.  I wanted my Luca to know that he and I, we're a team.  Not because I'm his teacher from the same color team. But because I'm his sister and I can carry him.  

the moment before the epic fail!

Actually I was determined to win.  Or so was the plan at the start.  So we ran.   Running with my little buddy in the back was a bit more difficult than fooling around at home. So after the first few moves, in slow motion I saw the floor coming closer as I was thinking: "Man, we're gonna fall!!" The next thing I know: I hit the floor and see my kid rolling off my back...  Someone ran to help us asking if we're fine. Laughing, I got up, grabbed Luca and holding him close, finished the race.  At the end I hugged him checking to see if he's all right.

Sensing the growing embarrassment I decided to press the "whatever" button in my head.  Surely I'd be the only person worrying about that.   I told Luca I was sorry.  And that I wanted to show him that he can trust me, so we'd run at home the next day.  But he hugged me and said: "No, P' Galina! I'm afraid. I will fall"...

When the games were over I had just enough energy to get home and crash in to my bed.  I woke up in the evening to a hurting spine and a sorrowful heart.  Realising it was the last day with my little students was sad as it is.  But also I kept on thinking "I failed Luca.. I failed Luca..."  

Then I thought that with all the cameras on, we made it to an epic fail pics collection.  And as some of the images of that meme I'd seen on  the web  stood up in my exhausted brain, I started laughing...  Maybe I'm losing it.  I don't know. So  I'm off to get a massage  now.  Hopefully it'll fix my spine which got screwed after the epic fail.  As my friend Lisa loves to quote : "It's all fun and games until someone gets poked in the eye".  Yeap.

hold me close...

Today was the last day of the term at the school. Little sleep and two weeks of skipping lunch must be the way of emotional defence during this time of goodbyes.  Yesterday I gave each of my students a photo of the two of us and cookies which I baked for them (yeah, I've taken the risk :))   It was a good fun!


And I was handling it well living every moment of their precious hugs .... until some of them would stay in my embrace  a little longer. That's when another long hug would come to my memory and I'd almost lose it...


The kids prayed for me to travel safe to Bangkok, to study  well and come back soon.  And I believe with them that the prayer will be answered.

"Father, please, hold me close to your heart during this time of goodbyes and upcoming separation with those I love... You've brought me through that before, so I believe You will do so this time, too.  Help me to stay in your embrace. There's no other place for me to go..."

Gezelligheid

My friend Becky has shared an article on her facebook page about ... what do they call it?-- Gezelliheid!

Quoted from wikipedia: Gezelliheid (Dutch pronunciation: [ɣəzɛlɪɣhɛit]) is a Dutch abstract noun (adjective form gezellig) which, depending on context, can be translated as cosy, fun, quaint, or nice atmosphere, but can also connote belonging, time spent with loved ones, the fact of seeing a friend after a long absence, or general togetherness. The word is considered to be an example of untranslatability, and is one of the hardest words to translate to English.Some consider the word to encompass the heart of Dutch culture.

I guess that's the word to describe some of the most precious Gezelliheid I had  tonight with my boys. At the end of a frustrating day (for both me with some stuff happen and the kids with their bunch of tests on one day) we were working through six chapters of their Thai reading text book for tomorrow's test. 

One of the boys had gotten a bleeding cut on his chin- crushed in a bathroom, another one had run into a rope and burned his leg, the other one was having a stomach ache, you name it.  But we still had to read about "Baibok and Baibua", two little elephants and their friend Pupaa, a boy who looks after them.  Tired and complaining about their awees, my boys cuddled on my laps...

"เด็กเด็กรักไบใบก. ไบใบกรักเด็กเด็ก... "

กะลีนารักเด็กเด็ก...

The last week of high fashion. For now.

-Kelly it's the last  week when I have to wear my uniform.- I said to my roommate holding the hangers with  this professionally looking but unsuitable for the heat, old fashioned outfit.

--So how does it feel? Are you excited?- asked Kelly smiling. Boy, she surely knew what I thought of my collection of four jackets of purple, pink and white, each designed for a different day of the week according to Thai tradition. 

-It's sad. I mean I'm trying not to think about it. 

Yeah, why does a change often come so sudden? Sometimes work days seem endless. Routine doesn't let us enjoy the work we're doing. And then one morning-- oops! It's the last timeI come to the office streaming the motorbike into the parking lot five minutes before the lesson starts. The last time I say to my dear little ones "Good morning children!" and hear their choral response: "Good morning teacher!" as we all sit on the classroom floor in a circle (yes, me -and them- still wearing a super hot uniform).

After I'd told my little students that I was going to go study in Bangkok and thus would be teacing them for only another two weeks they said it's "mai ok" (not ok).  But then they added that they knew what to do if they miss me. They're going to pray.

And with my kids at Home of Joy we decided to do push ups every time we start missing each other.  I bet my guns are going to boost by the time I'm back...

Dancing in the rain.

The rainy season is still going on. There's a risk of flooding every now and then, esp. in the north of Thailand.  And beach holidays are screwed up for many people.   But for us, the good thing about this season is the fun of our life we're having dancing in the rain!

 

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about dancing in the rain".

Precious moments.

The princpipal of the school started to worry seeing me sit  in the office this week for hours  with coffee being my only lunch. But that's what stress does to me. Testing time, bring it on!  Who would think that preparing tests for 3-7 y.o. would take so much time, eh.

While preparing worksheets and other testing stuff  I've looked through dosens of web-sites.  One of them contained coloring pages with Precious moments babies.  Those tear shaped eye babies, you know. They are truly precious.  It stroke me that that's who one of my little students reminded me of!  Her innocent tender eyes captivated my heart from the moment I met her two years ago.  So those tear shaped eyes....  that's my little Pam! 

more Qs and As

So how did I end up in Thailand then?

During that summer in Mongolia I was challenged to find out and pursue the things which would make my broken heart come alive. Those were: travelling and being with abandoned children.  My employer was paying for the one way ticket to my next destination. So I started Googling...

So how did I find the Home?

I found them in the never-ending list of orphanages on the Internet.  I asked God that as I knock at the doors of numerous schools and homes in different countries all over Asia, He would open the very door I needed to go through.  Even the name of Home of Joy came as a promise to me. For during that time  I was feeling homeless and had lost my joy.

What has it been like?

It was hard and fun at the same time.
Sharing my life with the children and adults at the Home  and the kindergarten, as well as living in this culture has been a challenging, beautiful adventure.  The relationships we've developed with the children after many months of rejection and mistrust, the love, joy and fun we share are a true treasure and blessing in my life.

What's the hardest part in this journey?

Goodbyes.........

Did I ever regret leaving home?
Never. Only after I'd left the safe boat of my comfortable life at home did I experience what it's like walking on the water. 

And what is it like?

It's incredible... And the journey is going on!

Interview of sorts

During the last two weeks I celebrated two personal anniversaries: three years since I left my home in Siberia and two years in Thailand. 

People often ask me what it feels like to have changed one of the coldest climates to one of the hottest. So I thought why not to share some bits of my story here. FAQs about my journey  from Siberia to Thaiand, so to say...

Where did I spend the first year away from home?

- In Ulaanbaatar, the capital city of Mongolia

Why did I decide to go to Mongolia?

-I was looking for an opportunity to step back and sort out my life. The teaching job in a private school came as an answer.

What was Mongolia like?

-It was hard. Wild. And beautiful. UB is an ugly soviet town, to my taste.  It's probably be enough to just say that people pee everywhere, even in the center of the town! 
Chingiz Khan who was a greater conqueror than Alexander the Great is still a national hero, even centuries after the fall of his great empire (blame it all on his kids and the Chinese). 
 
The countryside is breathtaking and is beyond description, with it's amazing blue sky, wild green meadows, two hump camels, eagles, yurts.... Oh, and don't forget the delicious goat's intenstines on a picnic, yum yum!

I got lonely. I was happy. I got heart broken. I learned to appreciate friendship and the Word of God in a new way. And the Lord was always there.

"Nothing".

The other morning at school our green team, both students and teachers,  was practising  chants to cheer for the School Sport Day. The youngest kids get a bit scared when everyone around gets so loud all of a sudden. So one little boy, Nud, appproached me:


-Kru Galina... 
-Ben arai, luk? (what's that, kid?)
- Mai mee arai (Nothing).

With that he came closer and gave me a hug.  Talk about little "nothings" which make your morning :)

R.I.P. baby Ratatouille

A baby mouse fell off a roof at Home of Joy the other day. My little Ant found it and asked a caregiver if he could keep it. He made a nest for the baby and called him Ratattioille. When the kids and I got home from school we too welcomed the new inhabitant of Home of Joy.

Actually at first we thought it was a rat. And unlike some of those very kind people I don't have that warm thing for mice, let alone rats. But the blind baby, who was probably one or two days old, left me defenseless. We fed Ratatouille with milk, the carton marked as his and stored in the fridge.

Ant was not feeling well and was staying home for two days. Thus he got to be the one taking the most care of the baby. When I talked with him the day after he'd adopted Ratatoille I was amazed to see how much love and care he was showing to the baby mouse. Like most of our kids, Ant has difficulty trusting or attaching to people. And the change wich was taking place in him was beautiful.

As we were putting Ratatouille to bed that night he asked me to pray for the baby mouse. "P'Galina, I'm gonna miss Ratatoille tomorrow while I'm at school",- he said. Earlier I'd noticed the mouse stretching his body as if he was in convulsions. Hugging Ant good night I told him that we should still keep the baby mouse in open hands before God, for He might decide it's better if He took Ratatouille to take care of him. "But maybe He will let us take care of him, honey, I don't know. Let's wait for tomorrow and see". Ant seemed to be fine with that.

After Ant went to bed I took the mouse out of the box.  "Please, baby, please!.." Ratatouille seemed to be deeply asleep. He was randomly moving his paws though. I wanted to believe we'd see him open his eyes in a few days...  I was sad thinking of the baby I so loved holding in my hands who was now dying. And thinking of Ant and the way he grew to love baby Ratatouille made me cry.

Five of my pets had died. The pain of losing them was so intense that eventually I cut myself of getting attached to pet animals. Ant with his baby mouse had touched somehting deep in my heart.

Weird, but as I was sleeping that night I heard these words spoken in Thai in my dream: หนูตายแล้ว (the mosue died) . 
 
I saw Ant at school in the morning. He came to me and said: "P'Galina, Ratatouille died." -- "I'm so sorry sweetheart. Did you cry?" -- "No. He is now with God in heaven".

In the evening we buried Ratatouille. It took us ten minutes to find a space in the neighborhood to dig a hole for the tiny body! A neighbor happened to be jogging by and asked the kids what was in the box. He suggested to just throw the mouse away.

Later that night we went for a walk to watch the starry sky. One of the kids said: "I miss Ratatouille". 


Ant said nothing.